


do you need a hug?

by scftsun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Depressive Episode, Epic Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Online Friendship, Other, jisung just wants a hug, renminsung ftw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:48:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25276426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scftsun/pseuds/scftsun
Summary: In which Jisung just needs a hug.
Kudos: 19





	do you need a hug?

**Author's Note:**

> for kim and tara, you truly make me feel like a better person.

A rumbling sensation begins to boil just under Jisung’s stomach. His thoughts are loud yet silent at the same time. His head feels disturbingly light. As he sits down in front of his desk he knows- something’s off. 

The rumbling sensation begins to grow bigger but in a painfully slow manner. There’s a sharp pain on his hips and at the back of his neck. For a split second, he saw himself but from an outsider’s perspective and to say he looks bad, is an understatement. 

The dark moons under his eyes reel in an outsider’s attention and highlight the mess that is Jisung's mind. His complexion ever so slightly looked off. He looked exhausted. His eyes scream of fatigue. His gaze shallow and wavering as if he was going to pass out at any moment. Jisung winces at having to look at himself looking miserable.

An achingly long-drawn-out blink later he was back to his own body. Yet this time he felt his body’s sore spots a million times’ more torturous. He felt every throb, pang and shocking pain growing more and more by the minute. 

He wanted to tear his own skin apart. He wanted to just leave his body behind. He wanted it all to stop. His confusing thoughts, his body’s pain and most importantly the crushing weight of pressure he was feeling. His chest constricting and he withers as he tries to take a deep breath in. 

Bothered and uncomfortable, Jisung gets up from his seat, only to be pushed back down by the bouldering monster that looms over him. He lets out a shaky breath as he shuts his eyes closed. 

_ It’s just your thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less. It can’t hurt you if you don’t fuel it. It can’t hurt you if you fear it. _ He tells himself. Jisung repeats this over and over again and takes a deep breath in before opening his eyes. Only to meet onyx orbs reflecting every single feature Jisung hated about himself. 

All his biggest fears, his insecurities, his thoughts- everything he thought he could just push away, was now in front of him. 

His pupils shake as does his breath as he inhales a shallow breath. It was so quick and sharp that it ironically punches the remaining air out his lungs. Jisung could feel his throat close up as tears began to build up and blur his vision.

Hot breath can be felt brush over his face. Jisung shuts his eyes tight as his breathing begins to pick up its pace with more shallow breaths for every second that passes. At some point, his inhales started to stagger and he could feel himself choke on air as his windpipe closed off even tighter. 

He hears his phone buzz a few times as notifications start rolling in. Jisung no longer had control over his muscles as his eyelids had started to stutter up and down. With his blinks varying from rapid micro flashes of his surroundings to prolonged hard stares into the darkness. 

Jisung shuts his eyes lightly and his brows furrow as he tries to focus on happy thoughts. He thinks of his family chatting, his friends laughing, he thinks of the pretty places he’s been to, all the wonderful foods he’s tasted, yet, nothing. A tiny whine escapes from his head and a quick squeaky sob follows as his back continues to hunch down. 

His face, arms and legs have a million pins and needles dancing on it. He grips hard on the arms of his chair, he musters up the last few strokes of his strength as he pushes himself out of his weighting seat. 

As he stands on his feet, the million dancing pins and needles multiply and travel rapidly up and down his entire body. Jisung slightly loses his balance for a second before he reaches to the edge of his desk for support. 

The insides of his lips are pulled in between his teeth as he puts a foot in front of the other. The shock of the prickling sensation shoots up his legs and he whines from the pain. Jisung takes the remaining sheer strength he has left to stretch to the next step before crashing onto his bed.

Immediately, he crawls under the covers, hiding from the gargantuan being that’s continuously growing in the corner of the room. 

"Are you scared, little boy?" The being calls out, its low voice vibrates through Jisung's bones. His adam's apple bobbles up and down as he squeezes his head with his fists. 

  
  


Go away. Go away. Go away. GO AWAY. 

It doesn't feel like he's breathing anymore, it feels like he's running for his life. He could hear his own heart beating, pounding, hammering its way out of his chest. A high pitched whine escapes in the air once more. 

His body curls into a foetal position, hugging his legs. All he can do is whimper for someone- anyone to help him. Instead, he is faced with nothing but the darkness and growing pain all over his body. No more, he thinks to himself. No more. Just like that Jisung succumbs to the darkness and drifts off to a different state of consciousness.

  
  


His limbs are sore, some of his joints crack upon being stretched after being in the same position for so long. Jisung could feel the whole world on his head as he turns to face the other side of the room. 

At the back of his head is this hammering sensation causing him to wince in pain. He clicks his tongue before closing his eyes once more. He takes a few deep breaths before managing to open them once more. 

The sun is beaming through his blinds, he realises his mum most likely came in earlier and opened it for him. He soft grunt struggles out of his throat as he pulls the blanket over his head. He wasn't having it today. He hasn't felt this way in so long but somehow last night he relapsed. 

The blanket offers a different sort of warmth. A type of warmth that feels so much like a hug, something he could really use, as of now. 

He stays in bed for God knows how long and considering that it's a school day? He's more than grateful that his mother hasn't come in and asked why he didn't go to school today. That was something Jisung had always been grateful for, his caring mother. She always puts immense trust on him that sometimes when Jisung's experiences his episodes, she lets him stay in bed. 

Of course, Jisung trusts his mother just as much as she does him, but not everything is easy to say aloud. His mother has asked him a few times what was going on with him and if he was being honest? He didn't know either. 

He could say it just started happening one day out of the blue yet he doesn't remember a time when he didn't experience these episodes. They simply come in unannounced and breaks Jisung until he snaps. 

Last night was different. It was a different being than the one that always comes. Last night's monster Had thorns coming out of his head for hair, it had pure black eyes that perfectly reflected everything Jisung despised about himself and it reeked like the awful scent you would only smell at a cemetery. 

Jisung sighs as he peeks out of his blanket to check if it was still there lurking. Much to his discomfort, he found the monster sitting still at the corner of the room where he last saw it. A sour taste spreads on Jisung's tongue as he looks away in disgust and annoyance. 

Here we go again. 

  
  


A soft knock on the door halts Jisung's movement, he was about to hide back under his blanket when the door opens showing his mother with a familiar look plastered on her face. 

"Ji? You okay?" she asks, her voice hushed and calming. It reminds Jisung of the feeling of being pulled for a hug. 

She walks close to the bed and to her dismay the being slithers its way closer and looms behind her. His mother sits on the bed next to Jisung's legs and places her hand on him, "one of those days?" Jisung's mother's voice has such a comforting feeling it gives off that it causes something in him to snap. Like the sound of her voice and the look of worry in her eyes pulled the plug that was holding back Jisung's fear and worries.

He feels his nose sting and his throat gets wrapped by barbwires as his mother scoots closer as she murmurs a breathy 'aww', pulling her son close to her. Jisung's chest rises as he claws for his mother's embrace. He pulls him close to him as if she was a lifesaver that keeps Jisung from drowning. His cries fill the room, his vision too blurry to see the being, yet he knows it's standing just at the edge of his bed. 

"It's alright my love, shh, it's okay," His mother strokes his back as his breathing once again picks up, "Maaaaaa!" Jisung whines out. 

His mother's hug offered so much love and comfort at that moment that Jisung's body didn't know how to react. His tears don't stop, he starts drooling just a bit and his eyes sting. 

"I'm so scared." He cries out each word with immense pain and emphasis. His mother rests her head on his and allows him to snuggle closer to the crook of her neck, "It's alright Ji, I'm right here," she murmurs, patting his back.

Jisung's breathing stutters and he lets out a small whine when he realises that the being that used to sit at the edge of his bed had left.

He holds his mother close to him. Close enough that the monsters of his mind won't get to him.

  
  
  


A few months later and the serene days of falling autumn leaves had turned over to frosty days that include shivering, hot chocolate and warm socks. The holidays roll in before he had realised. Time had moved so fast before he even realised it. Jisung would still get occasional visits from his monster but because of the intense demand of school, he never had the time to be alone with his thoughts for it to scare him. Just before the semester break started, he started writing again. 

Jisung loved to write. He loved to move others with his words and hopefully teach them through his stories but because of the number of things that have happened in the past few years. He hasn't had the time to sit down and focus on anything other than schoolwork. 

A day before the break started, he visited his psychologist once more. He was pleasantly surprised that he thought Jisung had changed drastically. He noted how Jisung would apparently laugh more and overall be incredibly enthusiastic when conversing about his life. 

The young boy tells his psychologist how he had picked up writing once more and found it to the his sanctuary. With the number of people giving him positive feedback and comments, Jisung had found a profound new sense of self. 

"Well, I'm not familiar with writing style but from the sounds of it, you have started to project your own self through your characters," his psychologist would tell him. 

Jisung cocks his head to the side and thinks back to all the times he had written the main character of his story. A tiny smile forms from the corner of his lips, "and I think because others comfort your character and show how worried they are, you have started to apply those words to yourself. You found comfort in your readers' reactions," the man smiles.

The young boy thinks hard about his works and how much effort he had placed on them, not realising that he had projected himself through each of his stories. 

That night Jisung goes home with a peaceful mind and not a single thought of his fears, insecurities or voices distract him that night. It was simply him and he hadn't felt that way in months.

  
  


One freezing morning, Jisung stretches his legs out of his bed as he rolls over to reach for his phone. His eyes adjust to the light that it gives off and he logs in to his account. A smile plasters on his face as he sees two of writers arguing on his timeline. Without much thought, he tweets out a post regarding the two writers and how not a morning would pass by that he wouldn't see the two bickerings their days away. 

He gets out of bed to get a glass of water for his dry throat, only to come back to see the two writers that he had tweeted about, camping on his mentions. 

Jisung chokes on his drink and lets out the heartiest laugh he had ever laughed in a while. A warm blooming sensation spreads across his chest as he interacts with the two fellow writers.

A few days pass and they take their conversation in the DMS. Jisung had made two new friends called Renjun and Jaemin. They all spent their days away laughing and talking about the most random things ever. From Jaemin harbouring a strong disliking to berries to Renjun almost constantly threatening and teasing the two. 

Jisung thinks back to the episode he had a few months ago and he looks down at the notifications he's receiving left and right. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he would be able to pull himself out of that state. Until to this day, Jisung knows he has a lot of growing up to do and a lot more of life to experience. 

But as he looks down at his conversation with Renjun and Jaemin and the message of Renjun saying, "Jisung, you talk like what a hug would feel like." A warm, fuzzy, bubbling feeling rises to his chest once more. 

And Jisung thinks to himself of how grateful he was to find the two. Jisung knew that yeah... Everything is gonna be alright. 

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo!! hehe to be honest i haven't been feeling all that well lately and honestly a part of me believed that i had hit a writer's block. last night i experienced another episode, much like jisung did at the start of this fic and as soon as i woke up and felt better i felt the need to write it all out. i hope you liked it hehe! this reflects a lot of me and what I've been through and i just felt like taking the time to thank tara and kim for talking to me. i never expected a friendship to come out of a random call out tweet but here we all are i guess? so um for mon ange and my precious candlelight! this is for u two!
> 
> with that being said and done! i hope you enjoyed that!  
> much love,  
> star!


End file.
